It's almost 9 months since I wrote on this blog, and I've had plenty of time to think about why I stopped and why I've come back to it again today.
I really enjoyed writing about yoga and the inner journey.
When I read the posts, I know the writing is good. Honest. Relevant. To me, and potentially to others. It feels authentic, integrated. So why have I not gone mad with it??
It's a puzzle, and I'm working on it. It's something about voice. About expression. About making a noise and being heard. Being enthusiastic, being willling, being even able to accept that writing down my experience and publishing it may have some value. Yikes. That was hard to write.
Today is day 20 of the 40-day yoga practice focussed on the throat chakra. This is the second time I've done this practice. Last year it was a physical torture. This year the torture is mental. Communication (which is my career), creativity (which is my constant not-quite-comfortable companion), truth (which I don't yet understand). The homework is excruciating. Singing in public, teaching people breathing techniques, going to different yoga studios...
This is the paradox.
I really want to sing. Out loud, in public. To belt it out with a choir. Hell, even belt it out with a great band backing me. I love singing. Singing makes me cry. This feels like a pretty strange thing to write too, but the most actual fun I remember having in the last ten years was playing Sing Star at my sister's place, doing a duet with my brother-in-law. It was Don't Go Breaking my Heart, by someone and Kiki Dee... I was the girl bit. It was awesome.
So why does singing make me cry now? There's a part of my voice that is choked up. Really choked up. Working on the fifth chakra isn't really making it any easier. Except that I have a homework assignment that involves singing in public.
I am going to go to the Wesley church community choir on Wednesday night and sing like the bejesus. I have to. It's time to get over this block. Maybe if I can sing out loud again I'll be able to write out loud again too.
