Here's another excerpt from my 750 word writing practice. I really enjoyed reading this for the first time, a couple of months after writing it. The process of watching what triggers me to be small and recoil continues to be a challenge and entertaining all at the same time.
Never waste a good trigger
According to Ana Forrest, that’s the thing. I am recognising what triggers me, not just to emotional boiling point, but to shut down, close off. An email from XX, before I’ve even opened it, resulted in a shut-down reaction. Interesting. I carried it to the yoga studio (knowingly) and had it again – it was trying very hard to keep going, shut out further, the wrong sign out, the room cold, the rain falling from the roll door onto my head. Not prepared, feeling crap, feeling set apon... I was watching it. I know that I’m actually much bigger than that limited little series of reactions. And yet they are there too. No beating up. Just patient observation. They were gone by the time class was over. I didn’t chase them away. Just watched quietly. The bigger our experience of this life, the bigger our concept of it, the smaller these neurotic responses seem, feel. They don’t take over. They try, start to hop into protective mode... “Yikes, there’s XX, duck for cover, she’s going to try and manipulate and use you, ask for more than you want to give, and laugh heartily in the process, completely unaware of your feelings.” = Shut Down fast!! It’s quite cute to watch actually. I’m just protecting myself. It is all making a difference to how I walk through life, what it feels like. The play is the same. The reaction gentler, less volatile. Instead of coming up against an edge – that point I give in and duck for cover (drink, drink, drink) I’m just standing still with my eyes wide open. I find myself burrowing into the covers, napping, hiding in the endless stream of social media. But I come out and I feel alright. Good enough. This work is enough for a lifetime. Just finding out what triggers me out of my peace, and working with that, curiously and openly. I’m less fixated on an endpoint answer, and more interested in what’s going on now. I am also gaining an experience of being where I’ve always been dreaming about going. Pulling the focus into this shower, this nap, this garden, this house, this dog-patting, this meal, this food preparation. Before I would be doing all that, fantasising about how marvellous it was going to be in the future – when we got to NZ, when we get to Nova Scotia. It’s funny. It’s a gentle shift, a refocus on now and seeing now for the marvel it is. Appreciating. It’s good to be able to get juice from life now. I’ve been practicing the loving kindness meditation too. That’s quite a challenge too. It’s easy to numb out when I get to a type of person or scale of people that I can’t relate to in that way. It will grow. I’ve been working on the Ms in my life, the nemeses. Every person I’m anxious about. Names all start with M. Oh well. I need to prepare for the yoga workshop tomorrow. And finish up the msac website. And I’m also experiencing a shift in reaction to time pressures. Able not to be anxious about things coming down the pipe. There is time and space and room for it to all get done. That’s a feeling of being supported rather than set apon, ripped off, used, manipulated. It’s a big shift, and hard work to maintain, but I notice it. And then it shifts. I don’t have to spend this life worrying about being tricked or used. Little miss ripped off – I became aware of her a really long time ago. Back in the very dark ages. It’s only now I’m getting the awareness, the grace to know how to care for her, and release her from those protective mechanisms. It’s all ok. The bigger we get, the less separate and vulnerable we are.
